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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25662976">redemption is a four-letter word</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyaveragewhiteshark/pseuds/prettyaveragewhiteshark'>prettyaveragewhiteshark</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last of Us, The Last of Us: Part II, the last of us part 2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon LGBTQ Character, F/F, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Jewish Character(s), Sad with a Happy Ending, wlw</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:26:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,026</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25662976</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyaveragewhiteshark/pseuds/prettyaveragewhiteshark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the canon end of The Last of Us: Part II. Ellie and Dina have been broken by the events of the past months. Betrayal, trauma, and guilt create a rift between them, widened only by the physical distance that separates them. As they each journey through their own hurt into healing, will they find a way back to each other?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dina &amp; Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>58</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I haven't written anything in like five thousand years, but the last of us part ii destroyed my feelings and i love dina SO much so I had to do my sweet lesbians justice. The full length of the fic is undetermined so far. I have a general idea of the direction I want to go in, but that could change at any moment because I am a mercurial creature. Anyway, read on, and enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"If you want, I will love you</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'll open my cupboard and show you my jumpers &amp; posters and you'll say;</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Don't be afraid, I fall overboard</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'm made of ivory, I'm a cannibal</em>
  <br/>
  <em>What have you done? You're not a weapon, are you?"</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ellie didn’t go back to Jackson. She headed into the woods north of the farm, wandering. There was no plan. All these months, she’d been goaded on and on. Even in the short peace she had found with Dina and JJ, the memories of Joel and the thoughts of Abby kept her mind on overdrive, only allowing her the briefest moments of respite before bombarding her again with the thought that she should be doing more, be doing <em> something </em>. It was why she left so quickly, so readily, abandoning her family the moment Abby’s whereabouts were known to her. She had to. She couldn’t have explained it to Dina, but she knew there would be no true rest for her until Abby was in the ground. </p><p>Or, at least, that’s what she thought. Funny, she had thought to herself more than once since leaving Santa Barbara, that she had to go all that way, and fail her mission, and lose so much, to find her peace. Funny as in tragic, funny as in agonizing. She couldn’t think of it too long. But as much as she tried to avoid the thoughts, the reminders were ever present in the missing space where her fingers used to be, in the memory of Dina’s dark, tearful, devastated eyes the morning she left.</p><p>She made her way north and then east, heading through familiar forest paths she’d forged herself on her hunting forays. The area was relatively clear of infected except for a few stragglers that she picked off easily. She moved slowly, biding her time as she tried to figure out where she would go. It was in those moments, of steadily sorting through her catalog of known people and places, that she became acutely aware of her aloneness. Seattle, Jackson, Boston, Salt Lake, Santa Barbara. No place for her anywhere. Joel, Jesse, Tommy, Dina. No one she could turn to. </p><p>Not that she deserved to. No, never in a million years would she ever fool herself enough to believe that. Everyone she loved was either dead, or she was dead to them, and she had no one to blame for any of it but herself. The thought overwhelmed her the first time she really allowed herself to realize it, took the breath from her lungs, left her heaving over an old log, holding on for dear life as her insides turned out. She sat there for a long while after, curled up against the rotted bark, shaking, hand clamped over her mouth to stifle the sound of her sobs, tears streaming over her knuckles in spite of her tightly closed eyes.</p><p>Alone, alone alone. And no one else in the world to blame but herself.</p><p>The thought struck her, like a knife between the ribs, that not even Abby was alone in the world. She had that little Scar boy. Someone to fight for, someone to love, to love her. As painful as the thought was, Ellie couldn’t bring herself to feel angry about it. She had fucked up so many things, but she was glad that she at least hadn’t killed him as he lay weak and helpless in that boat. She hadn’t thought of it in the moment, but that kid was the reason Dina was still alive. Killing him would have been a monstrous act. Nothing she wasn’t capable of, but she was glad that just that once, she’d stayed her hand.</p><p>The days pressed on, and so did she. After a while she gave up trying to think of a place to head toward. She decided that she would wander until she found somewhere safe to land, or until she died. The latter seemed the most likely of the two all things considered, but she’d survived so much she’d kind of stopped expecting death to be around the corner. God must have decided it was her lot to live with all of the shit she was responsible for. Seemed only fair - let the punishment fit the crime.</p><p>But one thing was undeniable. Santa Barbara, for all its horror, for all it had cost her, had healed something in her. If psychologists were a thing anymore, Ellie bet they would’ve lost their goddamn minds picking her brain about it, because in those moments of nearly drowning Abby alive, a peace had found her. And, miraculously, it had stayed. The dreams of Joel, the haunting attacks wherein his screams ripped her soul along the same jagged seam, had eased. They still popped up every so often, but with less frequency, and less intensity each time. </p><p>More often, she dreamed of him playing his guitar, of the gruff drawl of his “kiddo,” of the wrinkles around his eyes. More often, she woke with a cavernous ache beneath her sternum, but it was better than in a cold sweat, screaming her own throat raw, thrashing for the nearest weapon. The ache she could live with. </p><p>In the days since leaving the farm, she had moved into unfamiliar territory. She had told herself that this was what she was after anyway, with nowhere in the world to go, but something about the aimless wandering put a pit in her stomach. She did her best to clear areas of infected, and she hadn’t run into too many large herds thus far. Every night, she bunkered down in a house she had cleared herself, barricading the windows and doors and keeping her fires low as an added precaution. She slept fitfully anyway, jerking awake at the slightest sound, spending hours each night staring into the dark, her fingers wrapped tightly around the hilt of Joel’s old revolver. </p><p>She didn’t know if it was the lack of sleep or the yawning void of loneliness, but somewhere along the way, she began to see things that couldn’t possibly be there. The first time it scared her. She saw the figure moving up ahead and dropped prone, thinking it must be an infected. But she couldn’t hear the familiar groaning or clicking, so she lifted her head, looking closer. </p><p>It was Jesse. He looked back at her as she stood, and smiled. Lifted his hand, beckoning her to follow. She did. What the hell else was she supposed to do? He slowed his pace until they were walking side by side.</p><p>She allowed herself lingering sidelong glances at him, half believing he was real. He looked real. At one point, he caught her looking, and he chuckled. </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You’re not here,” Ellie said, fixing her eyes on the trees ahead. </p><p>“Of course I’m not. I’m dead, remember?”</p><p>A gunshot. Jesse collapsing, eyes blank, the bullet hole in his face leaking blood. </p><p>“I remember.”</p><p>“It wasn’t your fault,” Jesse said, as if reading her mind. </p><p>“You’d be alive if it weren’t for me.”</p><p>“No,” he said, his tone conversational. Not trying to convince her of anything. “I died because I was meant to. Didn’t have anything to do with you.”</p><p>They walked on in silence for a moment. Then Ellie asked, “So, are you a ghost?”</p><p>Jesse didn’t answer right away, ducking a little to avoid a low-hanging branch. He looked at her, his dark eyes familiar and warm.</p><p>“I’m company,” he said. “That alright with you?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Ellie said, and meant it. </p><p>He was mostly a silent companion. Sometimes he’d point out the presence of infected, warning her well before she would have seen them on her own, allowing her to skirt around and avoid an unnecessary fight. She didn’t know how he was doing it, or whether she was hallucinating the infected swarms too, but either way it put her at ease. She slept better, and longer. In the moments when she would wake, she would see Jesse, sitting in the half-glow of the dying embers, his back protectively toward Ellie, the profile of his face shadowed as he kept watchful eyes on their surroundings. </p><p>As the days passed, the air grew colder each night, waking her shivering to stoke the fire into providing more warmth. She managed to scavenge a sweater from a neighborhood they passed through - though it was oversized, it did a better job of keeping her warm than the thin flannel she had been wearing - but nothing else of real use, any kind of winter jacket or weather-proof clothing could be found. She wasn’t surprised; those kinds of useful clothes would’ve been snatched up by the first scavengers to come through after the outbreak, if they hadn’t been taken by the original owners to begin with. </p><p>She tried her best to ignore the way the sun had started setting earlier in the day, and the chill that she couldn’t work out of her bones until well into midday. But Jesse wouldn’t have it. </p><p>“Ellie,” he said one night as she sat roasting a rabbit over the fire. “Where are you going?”</p><p>She knew what he was asking. <em> What’s your plan? What happens when winter gets here? </em></p><p>“I’ll find somewhere. Some old house, I can bunker down and make it secure.”</p><p>“But where?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” she said shortly. “I’m figuring it out, okay?”</p><p>“Ellie,” he said. His voice was kind, patient. She looked up at him. He smiled softly at her. “You have to go home.”</p><p>“I don’t have a home,” she said, surprised by the tears that suddenly flooded her eyes. “I don’t have anywhere to go, Jesse.”</p><p>“You know that’s not true,” he replied.</p><p>She looked away from him, suddenly hyper-focused on the steaming body of the rabbit on the spit. She absently rubbed the stumps on her left hand where her fingers used to be. The flickering of the flames doubled in her clouded vision. </p><p>“I can’t go back to Jackson,” she mumbled finally. “Not after what I did to Dina.”</p><p>“Dina’s not the only person in Jackson.”</p><p>“She’s the only person that matters.”</p><p>“What about JJ?”</p><p>Ellie scoffed, “You can’t bring him into this just because he’s your kid. That’s a dick move.”</p><p>“Hey, he’s <em> your </em> kid, man. Just as much he is mine. Don’t act like he isn’t.”</p><p>Ellie sighed. She couldn’t argue with that. </p><p>“Dina won’t want to see me.”</p><p>“She doesn’t even know you’re alive. I think seeing you safe would help soften things a bit.”</p><p>“Well even if I did get the stones to go back, I wouldn’t know how. I’ve been wandering for weeks. I have no idea where I am, or where Jackson is from here.”</p><p>Jesse put his hands up at that. “Alright, fine, fine. I won’t keep arguing.”</p><p>They sat in silence after that, both staring quietly into the flames of the campfire. Even as it burned down to coals, Ellie couldn’t bring herself to sleep. She just sat there, arms wrapped around her knees, feeling the strange empty space where her fingers used to be, the stumps pressing against her arm as if to grip, but holding onto nothing. The embers rolled and flickered beneath their coat of ash. She toyed with the lucky bracelet on her wrist. She thought of Dina.</p><p>Dina, who had been by her side during the worst time of her life, through the nightmares and the waking terrors, through the silence when Ellie couldn’t find her voice and became a mute shadow for days on end, staring out the kitchen window or sitting still and empty on the porch. Dina, who had given birth away from Jackson’s medics and pain medication because Ellie was too traumatized to make the trip and Dina wanted Ellie to be one of the first people JJ met. Dina, who had traveled with her to Seattle even when she knew she was pregnant because she wanted to support Ellie’s mission, wanted to do whatever it took to help Ellie see it to the end. Dina, who had guided her out of her worst visions, whose hands had touched her so gently, whose eyes had become a haven of safety. Dina, who had begged her to stay. Dina, who had loved her. </p><p>Ellie rested her forehead against her knees, letting out a long breath. “There’s nothing I could say to her to fix what I’ve done. She needed me, and I left. She begged me to stay, and I <em> left </em>. How do I come back from that? How do I make that right?”</p><p>Jesse didn’t answer. Ellie didn’t need him to. </p><p>“I can’t,” she continued. “The best thing I can do for her is die alone out here. The best thing I can do is make sure she never has to see my face again.”</p><p>“I think you’re underestimating how much she loved you, Ellie,” Jesse said after a pause. “And if you think she doesn’t have you in mind every day, wondering if you’re alive, you’re lying to yourself.”</p><p>“Yeah, cause she wants to rip me to shreds herself,” Ellie muttered, planting her chin on her knees. </p><p>Jesse chuckled. “You may be right about that. But it seems to me that you owe her the peace of mind that you made it back alive.”</p><p>“Well if you’ve got a magic compass that can show me the way to Jackson, I’m happy to say hello at the gates. Otherwise…” She heaved her shoulders into a shrug, “I’ll have to stick with the dying alone plan instead.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dina was running. Her heart pounding, lungs heaving for breath, throwing all of her strength into it, her body still moving as if through quicksand. Too slow. Too slow. The sun burned bright overhead, hot and suffocating. She could see Ellie in the distance, standing still. Facing Dina, her shoulders sagging in Joel’s oversized jacket. Dina tried to scream her name, but only a thin wheeze came out. She couldn’t run any faster, couldn’t warn her of the danger. Then it was too late. Dina heard the infected, and a swarm appeared out of nowhere, surrounding Ellie until she disappeared from sight. Dina heard Ellie screaming. </p><p>“<em>No, Ellie!” </em> Dina bolted upright in bed, the sound of her own voice ripping her out of sleep. Her heart was racing. She panted for breath, clutching at her chest. “No, no…” Her voice was hoarse, trailing into a whisper as she came to herself, sitting here, alone in bed, in the dark.</p><p>Tears burned in her eyes, making her throat tight. A cold sweat dampened her hair. Her legs were tangled in the sheets and she kicked them free, swinging them over the edge of the mattress as she fought to control her breathing. She leaned forward, gripping her forehead. </p><p>“Just a dream,” she mumbled. “Just a dream. Just a dream.”</p><p>Every night it was something different. Always the same place, always that sweltering California sun, always the futile running. But she had watched Ellie die a hundred different ways. A bullet through the forehead from some unseen sniper, an arrow through the chest, the ground crumbling beneath her feet and Ellie plummeting to her death, a noose and a tree appearing out of nowhere, the rope somehow already around Ellie’s neck. </p><p>Dina pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes. </p><p>“Just a dream,” she insisted. A sob was building in her chest. “Just a dream,” she whispered.</p><p>The door to her room opened. </p><p>“Dina, honey? You okay?” Robin’s tired voice drifted through the dark. </p><p>“Yeah,” Dina said, clearing her throat to hold off the sob. “Yeah, sorry, Robin. Just a bad dream. I’m alright.”</p><p>“You sure?” Robin’s small frame was silhouetted darkly in the doorway. “I can get you some tea if you’d like.”</p><p>“That’s alright.” Dina smiled, even though she knew Robin couldn’t even see her face. Force of habit. “I’ll just try to sleep.”</p><p>“Alright,” Robin said. “Let us know if you need anything.”</p><p>Dina waited until the door was closed, and even then she stuffed her blanket into her mouth to muffle herself as the tears fell and the pent up sob shook its way free from her body. She was grateful that Robin had suggested that JJ sleep in their room the last few weeks. It was always harder when she had to console her baby after screaming him awake. Not every nightmare woke her up screaming, gratefully, but it happened often enough that Jesse’s parents knew what to expect now. Robin never failed to offer her a cup of tea. </p><p>She cried herself empty, and then lay there awake, exhausted but unable to sleep. How long could this last? It had already been five months since Ellie had left. The nightmares had started a week in, giving Dina enough leeway to pack up and move to Jackson before robbing her of any possibility of restful sleep. </p><p>Robin and Harry had tried to help, telling her over and over that she could talk to them about anything. She did her best. She would talk with them about Jesse - they could share that pain with her. </p><p>But Ellie.</p><p>Ellie.</p><p>Ellie.</p><p>She just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t bring herself to say Ellie’s name except when it was pulled out of her as a scream in the middle of the night. Even if she did, where would she start? With the anger? The helpless, drowning rage that Ellie had just walked out on her and JJ in pursuit of revenge? The fury that threatened to eat Dina alive every time she thought about it? Or would she start with the fear? The fear that Ellie was already dead, that she had died a week into her journey, or a month, or right at the very end? Or that she wasn’t dead, but desperately hurt somewhere between Jackson and Santa Barbara, and stranded without any help? </p><p>Or perhaps Dina could begin by talking about the crawling, strangling dread that she would never actually know what had happened to Ellie, whether she was dead, or hurt, or had just decided never to come back. She could start with the excruciating lack of closure, with knowing that she would never truly know what they could have had together, or whether Abby had been worth it for Ellie, or if Ellie could forgive Dina for what she had said that morning.</p><p><em> ‘I love you,’ </em> Ellie had said. </p><p>
  <em> ‘Prove it. Stay.’  </em>
</p><p>Dina had regretted the words the moment they left her lips. As if Ellie had not proved her love over and over again by staying and staying and staying when Dina could see that all she wanted was to wander into the woods and disappear forever. As if Ellie had not held Dina tightly when she cried over Jesse, as if Ellie had not fought off her own emptiness to care for JJ as if he were her own son, as if Ellie had not tried to hold up her end of their relationship with arms that trembled, as if Ellie had not given everything to Dina even when she was barely a shell of a person. </p><p>But, came the crackling flame, swelling red hot. She left. Dina begged her. Dina needed her. They had a family together. They had a son to raise, so many years to share together, so many milestones. They had been through so much, and had so much ahead of them, and Ellie had left because her revenge mattered more. Dina knew loss, she knew grief. She’d lost so much she couldn’t think about it for too long. But she had stayed strong. She’d put it behind her, grieved without allowing the murderers of her family to rule her life. Why couldn’t Ellie? Why couldn’t Dina mean enough to Ellie to make her stay?</p><p>This is where the circling always left her. She made her rounds through anger, guilt, fear, but she always came back to anger. Always came back to the immutable fact that Ellie had abandoned them. But, if nothing else, she finally understood why Ellie had never spoken about Joel. When you lose the person you love most in the world, talking about them feels equivalent to jumping into the ocean wearing cinder blocks for shoes. That was the tradeoff. If you talk about it, you drown. If you don’t, you collapse. </p><p>Dina hadn’t collapsed yet, but she could feel it coming. Not today, not tomorrow. But someday, not too far in the distance. She couldn’t find it in herself to care much. She could have withstood anything, living with Ellie in their farmhouse together. She had to be the strong one, the one who kept their family together, the anchor when Ellie was lost in her own turbulent sea. That was a role she knew how to play. But here, with Ellie gone, and the pressure of raising JJ lifted because he was so well loved and looked after by Jesse’s parents, she felt herself crumbling, slowly but surely, her insides charred into a smoldering, blackened ruin. </p><p>She lay there until the dawn light leaked through her window, slate gray and wan. It brought with it a chill that settled over the room like a slow exhale. Fall was officially here. JJ’s first birthday was only a few weeks away. The thought put a pit in Dina’s stomach. Six months ago, she would have thought that Ellie would be here to celebrate. Six months ago, she would’ve thought Ellie would be here at all. </p><p>Dina could hear JJ fussing in the next room. She rolled out of bed, pulling on pants and a flannel shirt, and opened her bedroom door to find Robin just coming out of their room across the hall. JJ was in her arms, his hair rumpled, his round cheeks creased with sleep lines. Robin smiled softly, reminding Dina starkly of Jesse. Dina smiled too, but she couldn’t meet Robin’s eyes. </p><p>She took JJ from her arms. “Oh, hello, sweet boy.” </p><p>JJ nestled into Dina’s chest, one paw-like hand closing around her shirt, still blinking sleep from his eyes. Dina held him closely, pressing her nose to his hair. The smell of him was soothing, grounding. It made her feel a little more human. </p><p>Robin squeezed Dina’s shoulder then went down the hall to the kitchen. Dina followed her, hearing Harry come out of the room close behind. Robin busied herself making breakfast. They all ate together in an easy warmth, making small talk about the duties coming up for the day. Dina was aware of the particular sort of carefulness Robin and Harry had, as they always did the mornings after the sort of nightmares that woke the whole house. She did her best to ignore it, but by the end of breakfast she was feeling restless, anxious to get away from the overwhelming responsibility of their concern for her. </p><p>“We’re gonna go for a walk,” she said, lifting JJ from his highchair, bundling him into his tiny coat and boots over his sleeping onesie. </p><p>“Where to?” Harry asked from the sink. </p><p>“Just around Jackson. We shouldn’t be long.”</p><p>The air outside was crisp and cool. The light was still gray, the sun filtering through a thick layer of clouds overhead. JJ was slung to her chest, facing outward. He’d started to complain in his sling unless he had a proper view of the world. Faced out, his fat legs had to dangle free, and his arms stuck nearly straight out in those puffy coat sleeves. Objectively, he looked hilarious. It would’ve cracked Ellie up. The thought brought with it the echo of Ellie’s laughter, and Dina regretted it immediately. </p><p>“Alright, JJ,” she said to distract herself, patting the bottoms of his feet. “Tally ho, huh?”</p><p>They wandered down the street, toward the town center. It was still early, so not many people were out and about just yet. Dina didn’t mind the quiet or the lack of company. She didn’t feel like forcing a pleasant conversation right now. Her path took them down side streets, out to the perimeter of Jackson’s walls. They passed by the communal greenhouses, the plastic coverings steamed with the warmth of growing vegetables inside. A few early risers were inside, pulling up weeds and trimming stems. They waved at Dina and she smiled, lifting JJ’s chubby little hand as if he were waving back. She could hear their laughter, muffled through the plastic barrier. She kissed JJ’s head, lifting her hand to them as she moved past. </p><p>She wandered aimlessly, not thinking of much as she walked. That was a skill Talia had taught her. They had spent years almost exclusively on the move, and more often than not silence was a requirement in case of any infected nearby. When Dina complained of her boredom, Talia told her to think only of the walking - the sound of her own footsteps, the birds in the trees, the wind in the leaves and the grass. It had worked; Dina learned quickly to while away the hours taking in her surroundings, stilling her mind. It distracted her from being bored or afraid. Talia had called it walking meditation. Dina thought it felt more like praying.</p><p>JJ’s excited squeals brought her back to herself and she realized they had gotten within eyeshot of the stables. She didn’t know where he got it from, but her son couldn’t get enough of animals, and horses in particular seemed to excite him. A few horses were out in the corral, standing close to each other, heads over necks, tails flicking idly, their breath clouding in the air. Dina moved up to the fence, propping JJ’s legs over the top so he didn’t stub his toes against the planks in a fit of excited kicking. She clicked her cheek, holding her hand out to the group of animals. A few broke off, stepping slowly toward them, their long necks bobbing as they moved. JJ’s hands waved wildly, his voice going shrill with excitement. </p><p>Japan nosed over the fence, her long head larger than JJ’s body. Dina guided JJ’s hands carefully, letting him rub the horse’s smooth gray face. </p><p>“Be soft, be soft.”</p><p>JJ laughed, the sound pure joy as it bubbled out. </p><p>Dina couldn’t help but smile. “Exciting, huh? We like Japan. She’s our friend.” Dina rubbed the coarse hair between Japan’s eyes. “Yeah, you’re a good girl.”</p><p>“He’s gonna be riding before he’s three,” came a voice from behind them. Dina turned as Maria leaned against the fence next to them. Maria reached out, patting Japan’s neck.</p><p>“It’ll be sooner than that if he gets his way,” Dina said.</p><p>Maria chuckled. “I don’t doubt it.”</p><p>They stood there in silence for a long moment, the only sound JJ’s excited coos. Dina could feel Maria trying to find her words.</p><p>“Dina,” Maria said finally. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you...”</p><p>“Maria,” Dina started, cutting her off. This wasn’t the first time Maria had approached her since they’d gotten to Jackson. Her energy had been heavy, loaded, and Dina hadn’t felt equipped to deal with whatever it was she had to say, so she’d shut it down every time. </p><p>“Please,” Maria persisted. “I need to say this.”</p><p>Dina didn’t respond, keeping her eyes on Japan’s face, her velvety muzzle, the long eyelashes over her dark eyes. </p><p>“I wanted to say I’m sorry,” Maria continued in Dina’s silence. “For what Tommy did. He was all worked up when he came back from your farm, and I thought something bad had happened to you two, so I asked him what was wrong. He told me what he heard about Abby, and was pissed off that Ellie wouldn’t go after her. I was...fuckin’ furious with him for even bringing it up to her, but I was glad that she hadn’t gone. Then you two got here, without Ellie, and I…” Maria shook her head, letting out a breath. Dina could hear the guilt, the heaviness in the sound. “I know Ellie wouldn’t have been any the wiser, that you’d all still be on your farm together if that stupid man had kept himself to himself. And I just wanted to tell you, I’m sorry for that.”</p><p>Dina ran her palm over the smooth roundness of Japan’s jaw. She’d blamed Tommy too, for a long time. If he hadn’t come, if he’d left well enough alone...</p><p>“Ellie made her choice,” Dina said, her voice colder than she meant it to be. She looked at Maria. “Tommy didn’t exactly have a gun to her head. She could’ve stayed, and she didn’t. You don’t have to blame yourself.”</p><p>Maria nodded, an expression on her face that Dina couldn’t quite name. “I just wanted to make sure you got the apology you deserved.”</p><p>Dina snorted at that. She couldn’t help herself. “Yeah, you’re not the one I need it from,” she said shortly. “But the one who should be apologizing is probably dead by now, so I guess I should take what I can get.” Her voice cracked on the word '<em>dead'</em>, and she looked away from Maria sharply, lifting an arm to swipe at the tears before they could fall. </p><p>Maria was quiet for a long time. Dina couldn’t look at her, but she could see her hands on the rail, the tendons flexing ever so slightly. The silence was overwhelming. Dina felt embarrassed at her outburst, hot with rage at Ellie all over again, utterly exhausted at the prospect of feeling like this for the rest of her life. </p><p>“We should be getting back,” she said, her voice conspicuously thick, turning away from Maria to avoid her gaze. </p><p>“Dina,” Maria said, touching her arm. Dina stopped, but didn’t turn back. She bounced JJ in the cradle of her arms, fighting a wave of tears. “If you ever want to come by for a drink, my door is open. You don’t have to talk, you don’t have to do anything. Just, if you need space to not be alone with your thoughts.”</p><p>Dina turned her head just a little. “Okay,” she said, and walked away. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I wrote this fic while listening to the Spotify playlist "The Last of Us Part 2: Ellie and Dina" by Jaedyn Thomas, I recommend giving it a listen.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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